Man, do I miss David Letterman at times like this…
Hoping to add a little levity to the end of a chaotic campaign season for the GOP, without further ado, from the home office in Sumter, South Carolina, here are the top 10 reasons I voted in the South Carolina GOP primary.
10) By doing so, I’m ensured to receive enough glossy card stock direct mail pieces four years from now to finish wallpapering the living room.
9) Considered voting in the Democratic primary, but became disillusioned when Lincoln Chafee’s “embrace the metric system” platform failed to catch fire.
8) Heard a rumor that if we can get the number of candidates up to thirty next time, the GOP will revise its nomination process from primaries and caucuses to a WWE-style over-the-top-rope royal rumble.
7) Thought I might be feeling the Bern, but the doctor said I was ok, enabling me to avoid embarrassing phone calls.
6) Because someone with all the financial support, executive experience and proven ability to be victorious in difficult campaigns like Scott Walker is sure to be successful. Wait…what?
5) Wanted to see if Marcomentum could be as successful as Joementum was for Lieberman in 2004.
4) Note: Number 4 has been deleted by the editors to avoid risk of a potential Trump lawsuit.
3) Because candidate names like Marco, Rafael and Piyush (OK, he’s already dropped out) are sure to continue the narrative that Republicans only support WASPs.
2) Little known GOP fact: Reward points are allocated for each election you vote in, and I’m one ballot away from getting my Dole/Kemp ’96 oven mitt.
And the Number 1 reason I voted in the SCGOP primary: If you think Iowa and New Hampshire are confusing, just wait until you see what we can do!
O.K. Democrats, you’re at bat.